Queer is the word I use to define…

I can remember so clearly the first time someone said it.

I said: I use the word queer to define myself.
They said: I could never call you that! Queer is a bad word! I won’t use a slur to identify you.

It’s a well-intentioned response, but one that misses the mark.

Both my spouse and I identify as queer. That’s not the same as gay or lesbian. It is not synonymous with pansexual, or bisexual. It’s also intentional. None of those labels fit for us. It’s awesome if they fit for you though. Because we see and honor you. I hope you will see and honor us too.

I know and appreciate that queer has a painful history as a slur. I do not discount that. If it was used to cause you harm, I’m so sorry. That’s true even for some of us who identify as queer. Our identity does not protect us. Know I see and love you. I’m also going to gently ask you not to critique or otherwise discount those of us who ID as queer, because it is a hard word for you. Similarly, please don’t ask us to defend our identities just because they challenge you. We’ve had our own painful experiences, and our identities are hard won.

Queer is also a widely accepted academic category and descriptor. See: queer theology, queer studies etc. It can also be used as a shorthand umbrella term: queer kids…